Mind in the Gutter
by Pink Kunai
Summary: Because it's Ino and there is no where else for her brain to go. "Now that I think about it, that kiss Naruto and Sasuke shared was actually really, really hot!" SS, implied NT, NH, SI


Mind in the Gutter

The local barbeque restaurant that Team 10 frequented often was uncommonly packed today. Half of the small family restaurant had been taken over by members of the Konoha eleven, and Sasuke. A table of 10 was set out for everyone, but Lee and Shino, who were both out on a mission. The gathering had been a way for the tight knit group to see each other for once. Obviously with such a large group the chances that all of them weren't out on a mission was slim, especially now that Sasuke, Neji, Tenten were members of the ANBU. The dinner had started out amiably, giving everyone ample opportunity to catch up with each other's private lives. By the end however, Ino had to inject another one of her random musings.

"Now that I think about it, that kiss Naruto and Sasuke shared was actually really, really hot" Ino mused, twirling her fork leisurely at the side of her head. Hinata choked on her tea, spraying the contents that didn't go down her wind pipe all over Tenten, who rubbed it off irritably. Sasuke and Naruto – sitting on either side of Sakura sprang as far apart as possible in the confined booth of the barbeque store. Neji was not amused and Shikamaru blamed himself for giving Ino an opportunity to think of something so disturbing.

"That wasn't what your twelve-year-old self thought" Shikamaru mumbled in disagreement.

"NEVER!" two voices cried out simultaneously, smashing their fists on the table, jolting its contents. All eyes turned to Hinata, even Sakura – the other crier of woe – couldn't help but look at the Hyuuga heiress. The girl let out a small squeak before blushing and dropping back into her seat in embarrassment. She was glad that she had chosen not to sit next to Naruto that night, opting instead to sit on the opposite bench between Neji and Ino.

"What's going on, you troublesome woman?" Shikamaru asked. Having known the girl since childhood, it was only right to let her get it out of her system now, lest it turn into something that would surely kill poor Hinata. Sakura sighed burying her face into her palms, knowing another gruelling talk with Ino was about to begin, someone, if not all of them, were going to be embarrassed tonight.

"Yeah seriously girl, you are messed up" Kiba piped up, despite enjoying Sasuke and Naruto's discomfort more than a normal person should. Ino huffed, blowing a strand out of her face in annoyance.

"What I was just saying" she defended.

"Well don't!" Sakura snapped angrily.

Ino scoffed, "Oh please, like you guys haven't thought of something like _that_ before" Everyone at the table looked around unsurely at each other. Ino rolled her eyes and pointed one – strangely – manicured finger at Sakura. The pink-haired girl recoiled suddenly, almost going cross-eyed as she stared at her best friend.

"Sakura used to think her sensei was hot" All eyes turned to the medic.

Sakura's face was burning red as she replied indignantly, "I did not!"

"Oh god, thinking the bastard was hot was one thing, but even Kaka-sensei, what am I? Sliced pepperoni?" Naruto screamed, utterly scandalized as he pointed an accusing finger at Sakura.

Sakura's eyes narrowed, "Excuse you" Naruto wasn't listening as he covered his ears muttering about the filthy nightmares he was going to have later that night. Sasuke was not so pleased himself, choosing to smack the blonde, ending his tirade. Today was definitely not a day for him –

"Neji's secretly really jealous of Ino's hair!" Tenten blurted, covering her mouth as soon as the sentence ended.

– Or not.

Neji turned his pupil-less eyes to stare at his teammate with a face of betrayal. Hinata was absolutely horrified – yet strangely giddy inside – of the prospects of her probably gay cousin. In her mind he couldn't be gay, since he had to take over the family so she could marry out of it to Naruto, and more importantly he couldn't be gay, or her secret love of NejiTen would never come true. Then again, a girly Neji was less horrifying than a manly one.

"I never said anything of the sort" he answered rather level-headedly. Tenten nodded her head, both hands still crossed in front of her mouth. Neji glared at her, "I did not" Another nod. "Well at least I don't idolize someone for the size of her breasts!" Tenten's hands dropped as she gasped in horror.

"I value Tsunade-sama's abilities as a female _ninja_ and not because of her female _assets_!" Neji rolled his eyes.

"But Tenten, your boobs are awesome!" Ino defended, Kiba nodding enthusiastically in agreement, only stopping when Neji's look promising death and dismemberment was trained on him. Hinata made a grunt of disapproval.

"Must we always talk about such topics in loud outdoor voices?" the girl questioned, utterly mortified, and completely embarrassed. Neji's eyes turned to slits.

"You've talked about such outlandish comments before? And in front of Hinata no less" he demanded. Ino waved him off.

"Silly boy, of course we have, what is the point of talking if we're not going to make _outlandish comments_" Sasuke, Naruto and Hinata made groans of disgust. Shikamaru could only sigh, having dealt with Ino on more than one occasion, "Now, who else has something they'd like to share, remember sharing is caring"

"Oh bitch it is on!" Sakura challenged, "At least I don't use my clan technique for romantic purposes" then Sakura whipped around so that she was facing Shikamaru, "Yeah Shikamaru; that "date" you went on with "Temari" last Friday; that was INO!" Shikamaru closed his eyes and mumbled something that sounded vaguely like he already knew that.

Ino blinked, "So what? Hinata does that, like, all the time, and news flash forehead, you don't have a clan, or a technique"

"I h-have, ahem, no idea what you're talking about" Hinata responded in as even a tone as she could muster. Sakura just resorted to leaping across the table and wrapping her hands around Ino's throat, throttling the tactless blonde. Shikamaru quickly attempted to pry the hokage's apprentice off, with Hinata watching amusedly from the side, not even the slightest bit inclined to help. Sasuke and Naruto both had their arms around her waist trying to pull the angry Sakura back, but her grasp was too tight. Despite the lack of air being provided to her lungs, Ino still managed to choke out a few words.

"Is-ack-isn't this – ku – fun?" she wheezed out. The three males finally yanked the enraged Sakura away from Ino, allowing the blonde to recover and – of course – throw in her two cents, "now we all know a little more about each other." Naruto's eyes roved over the occupants of his table. Each in response gave him a blank stare.

Suddenly his eyes widened in shock as he grasped the tendrils of his hair just above the ears and proceeded to smash his head into the dinner table. The plates and cups nearest to the edges fell off the table, contents spilling over both people and floor.

"No!" _**Smash**_ "No!" _**Smash**_ "Ah!" _**Smash Smash**_ "This can't be true!" _**Smash**_ "Too much graphic information" _**Smash Smash Smash**_ "Surrounded by perverts!" and comments went on for a while in that manner. Oddly enough, Ino decided to sing a song in accordance to the beat Naruto created with the smashing of his face.

"I got my mind in the gutter when we're touching on each other, rollin round under covers, blowing kisses like we're lovers" she sang.

"I like the way that you taste, when your all up in my face, bodies touching, minds corrupted, cause my mind's in the gutter!" Tenten continued for her and the two joined together, singing happily until their loud obnoxious voices had driven the other customers crazy and causing them to leave the restaurant deserted save the group of ninjas. Kiba got up.

"Damn I need new friends" he mumbled before leaving. Tenten and Ino just screamed at his retreating back.

"You'll regret saying that Inuzuka! We know about the stalker photos you have of Hinata under your bed you closet pervert!" they cried after him, causing him to run faster, in fear of Hinata and Neji chasing after him. Neji growled angrily, getting up and storming out after Kiba. Hinata fainted on spot, falling face first into the table. Naruto finally stopped creating a ruckus when Sasuke smacked the pressure point of his neck. Sakura looked back and forth between her two teammates.

"I really hate that move" she said, Sasuke smirked.

"I find it pretty useful when dealing with pests" Sakura's eyes narrowed, until a small smile crept across her face.

"Sasuke-kun has a really bad Oedipal Complex" Naruto awoke from his slumber with a start, his face screwed in digust.

"Aw dude! You want to have sex with your mom!" the blonde was quickly rendered unconscious once again by Sasuke.

"Shut up Sakura" Ino and Tenten laughed like drunken hyenas.

"Oh my god they're gonna make out again, gross, let's bail guys before we're subjected to their rated M horror" Ino mocked, laughing as her and Tenten sauntered off in one direction, probably to a bar. Shikamaru followed lazily behind with Chouji, knowing that if not Tenten, Ino would most likely get into some sort of trouble. That left team 7 and Hinata at the restaurant, Sasuke and Sakura having a staring contest and Hinata and Naruto knocked out cold.

"You know that kiss is sounding pretty good right about now" Sakura said seductively, Sasuke smirked his – stupid, yet sexy – Uchiha smirk and the two went at it.

"Oh for the love of all that is holy and innocent about Hinata could you keep your damn pants on for more than 10 minutes, god, control your damn PDA!" Naruto cried, before he was once again conscious. Sasuke, with lightning fast reflexes – you guessed it – knocked Naruto down, smacking him twice for good measure, and the third time for fun. And that was how the owner found the rambunctious ninja group that he had loaned his VIP room to, almost empty, with two unconscious ninjas, both had red welts on the back right part of their necks collapsed against each other.

* * *

"Are you sure it's okay to just leave them like that?" Hinata asked apprehensively, twiddling her fingers. Naruto laughed, his hands swung behind his head.

"Of course not, the two of them will be after my ass all day tomorrow, but this" and Naruto paused to wave a Polaroid in front of the girl, "will make me millions" Hinata muffled a giggle behind her hands.

"Now let's get you home before I have to add your father to the list of people trying to kill me tomorrow"

* * *

**AN**: The lyrics used is the chorus of "Mind in the Gutter" by Chris Crocker.


End file.
